Why me?

I am allowing the ‘stream of consciousness’ to just take me where it will today, needing to clear this question :”Why me?”. I was working with ‘Finding your True Mission’ material. I thought it would bring joy, prosperity, insight and a deeper connection to true self. I thought it was an answer to something I have been seeking for a long time: the key that brings the value I offer to the world together with the knowing that evrything I need is already within. That key is so elusive and I sit here asking Universal Intelligence: So what happens after I provide value? I keep feeling like I have to do more, like I missed something along the way, like there’s a hidden element to a formula I’m working with that messes up the whole equation. Universal Intelligence has been telling me: ‘that’s where the problem lies, in trying to find an exact formula, in inisting that when you line up intention, belief, feeling, thought, speech and action then manifestation is just supposed to happen automatically. There’s more to life than that; you are here to learn and teach lessons. If the universe was all mechanical, we wouldn’t ever apprehend Being, Spirit, Soul and God.” I get all that intellectually but the lessons have to end somewhere. I’m tired of just learning and teaching, learning and serving, teaching and serving and having to learn all over again. My true mission one arth is to teach spirituality. I don’t know why I didn’t expect that. it makes perfect sense if I follow the thread of my writing, coaching, speaking in churches, mission trips, study of various holy writings and relationships with Warriors of the Light through the years.. but suddenly, to see it there inf ront of me, so plainly put and so obvious was dissapointing, an anti-climax somehow. I actually expected more. Then guilt started to creep in. It is a privilege to teach spiritual subjects; what more could one ask for? Somehow, I just had this really grand picture deep within my mind where no one could see it and every time I spoke about my passion and my purpose there was an element of mystery, of suspense, of something great waiting to unfold. I had a dramatic flair as a child and at drama school I discovered it didn’t suit me. Behind the scenes I am effective, productive, aligned with my purpose,happy and free to express my talents. On stage, in a performance, I need hours and hours of practice to get it right, I get stressed and tired more easily and thus become less productive, I am usually not aligned with my true self and my purpose, I am irritable and bossy and people only see one small aspect of Being. So why do I always wish it could me on stage performing?

When the church gave me the task of producing the Christmas Conference, it seemed natural and I felt it was a just reward for all the ways in which I have served this year. I was determined to show the pastor how grateful I was for the opportunity and what a blessing this would be for everyone by drawing deep within on all my past experience, my skills and my ability to create events that bring value. By week 2 I was de-motivated, no one udnerstood what I was trying to accomplish and the script-writer for the drama piece could not make Friday evening rehearsals. My entusiasm plummeted; I wanted out. It wasn’t worth all the effort. I began to feel disconnected from soul and spirit. I realised I had to take this whole experience to another level of vibration, because that is how my mission will be fulfilled and expressed, because that is how I will move into the realm of spiritual teaching. Still, I find myself asking: “Why couldn’t I just produce an ordinary conference? Why does there always have to be another lesson? Why me?”

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